Little known Alerts (Comical)

Created by Captain Nathan Cowell MD on 01 Jun 2014 @ 9:47am

Beer Alert

The lowest alert level, Beer Alert is sounded whenever any situation occurs which the duty officer feels unable to cope with. This may include personal feelings of anxiety and guilt, but is usually reserved for external stimuli.

During Beer Alert, all on-duty personnel and uninvolved conscious crew member are alerted to the increased alert level by a visual signal (all compartment and corridor vidscreens produce an image of an amber-colored ale), an alteration in the ship's on-board lighting frequency (all light panels currently active change color to light amber), and a repeating auditory signal (the sound of a pint glass being filled from a pressurized tap). Any crew or guests who might feel like they want to head for their duty stations are welcome to do so. Specific systems preparations include:

* Unrestricted access to all on-board beer taps, including Emergency Taps and Reserve Beer Systems.
* All functioning engine and weapon systems are brought fully on-line and prepared for use.
* Deflector Shields are powered up to standby levels.
* Photon Torpedo bays are loaded with standard yield torpedoes.
* Somebody should wander into Auxiliary Control and turn on the lights.

Rum Alert

The middle of the alert ladder, Rum Alert is sounded when some actual danger or un-casual activity threatens the ship, crew, or party supplies. This can be an enemy vessel, a raving lunatic roaming the corridors with a pair of scissors and a paisley scarf, or an overdue shipment of controlled substances. During Rum Alert, all on-duty personnel and uninvolved conscious crew member are strongly asked to go to their duty stations. Any really necessary unconscious crew member are awakened and also asked to go to work. The crew and guests are made aware of the increased alert level by a visual signal (all compartment and corridor vidscreens produce an image of the Bacardi Bat), an alteration in the ship's on-board lighting frequency (all light panels currently active change color to a rich golden brown), and a repeating auditory signal (the sound of a Jamaican steel drum band). Specific systems preparations include:

* Unrestricted access to all on-board rum and cola supplies, EXCEPT Captain Cowell's Jolt Locker.
* All functioning weapon systems are test-fired at local targets to ensure functionality.
* Deflector Shields are brought up to active levels.
* Security Officers are awakened, given anti-hangover pills, and ordered to stand around and await instructions.
* The Designated Helmsman is summoned to the bridge.
* The most sober officer on the bridge (with the exception of the DH) is asked to take the weapons console.
* A frantic and impassioned plea for aid is prepared by the duty officer, to be sent on wide-band subspace in the event of an actual emergency.
* The Commanding Officer is expected to come to the bridge.
* Spare undergarments are prepared for the bridge crew.
* Specially-designed, fully motion and impact resistant Drink Holders extend from all system consoles, allowing all duty personnel to have both hands free for action.

Everclear Alert

This, the highest alert status aboard a Starfleet vessel, is only invoked during the most dire emergency conditions, or when a need for excitement strikes the duty officer.

During Everclear Alert, all ship and/or station personnel and uninvolved conscious guests are required to begin drinking and frolicking like there's no tomorrow. Unconscious, celibate, and abstaining guests are scowled at unpleasantly and made to feel silly. The crew and guests are made aware of the increased alert level by a visual signal (all compartment and corridor vidscreens produce an image of a bottle of Everclear), an alteration in the ship's on-board lighting frequency (all light panels currently active change color to a really bright argent), and a repeating auditory signal (the sound of former Athena XO Mallory saying "What the hell was in that fruit juice?"). Specific systems preparations include:

* The breaking out of all alcohol and controlled substance stores.
* The addition of Everclear to all beverages produced aboard ship, by either Medical personnel or replicators.
* Issue of Type I and II phasers to everyone aboard, whether they know how to use them or not.
* Issue of Type III phasers to Security.
* Security personnel are ordered to wander the corridors aimlessly, exerting proper influence wherever needed.
Slightly modified from the original taken from the Bar Fleet Alert Levels list.